I started back to work on Monday of this week. I have to say that it almost feels as if things are back to normal. I still stop and think how things would have been with Roman. I was planning to work only part time until he was about 6 months or older. It feels like I just took a long vacation. I have the occasional person ask how the baby is doing but it doesn't bother me too much. I worry that I have supressed all my feelings and one day they will come barreling out.
My husband and I have made up and things are peaceful. I find that we are spending more time together than in the past. I would have been too busy or too tired. I hated going to the grocery store but almost enjoy it now. We went last night and laughed at each other the entire time. I am waking up every morning making him lunches for work. He told me he appreciated it and I didn't have to do it anymore but I like talking to him in the morning. Even if it is 4:30 a.m. I just have to get a better schedule for myself because I am dead tired when he leaves but don't want to oversleep for my job.
I guess in all of this, I will take the good with the bad. This has been a good week. I know they won't always be this way, but I can always look back and remember how it can be. I prayed that God would remove my selfishness and help me be a better servant to others. It is not that I didn't like to help anyone else, I just never thought about it or could see the opportunity. My eyes are beginning to open.
Thursday, May 8, 2008
Back to Work
Saturday, May 3, 2008
Bad Feelings
Well, it's been about three weeks now. I was in Target shopping the other day and a strange feeling came over me when I walked by the maternity clothes and then the baby section. I remember feeling like I was just there. Just a few weeks ago, I would have been shopping for baby items and picking out new and cute maternity tops. I can't believe it is over. I was so close! Just a few weeks away.
I go back to work on Monday. Sometimes I feel like I'm not needed and they are going to find a way to fire me. I've been gone for so long and they were able to do things without me. I'm having a hard time trying to define what I bring to the table. Did I lose my drive?
On top of everything that has been going on, my husband and I had a huge argument. It is funny because a while ago, I imagined myself to be this tough, indepedent woman who wouldn't care if he decided to leave. This time, just the thought of him being away for a short time almost killed me. To add to the chaos, my family got involved and there are some bad feelings lingering.
We are better now although I know that things aren't fixed. I'm sure we are both stressed out and hurting. It is funny how much more you appreciate and how much harder you love when it is in danger of being lost.
I pray that God will bless and protect my family and remove any unnecessary feelings. I seem to think negatively about everything lately.
Monday, April 28, 2008
Surprised I'm Okay
I am surprised at how I have been able to hold it together. I'm not sure if that is because I am stronger this time or it really hasn't hit me. One thing I am trying not to do is become bitter at other people who are pregnant or who have babies. I want to be happy for them and rejoice with them at the safe arrival of their child.
Yesterday was my first day back at church since it all happened. I didn't want to go and be an emotional wreck, crying at every hug. Instead, I kept a smile, thanked everyone for their concern, and made it through the service with only one or two tears. The question is, can I keep this up? I wanted to show that although I am hurting, I still have faith in God. Although this time the answer to our prayers didn't turn out the way we wanted, I realize it is for my good and ultimately for His glory! My response to this crisis reflects my relationship with God. I am waiting for God's direction on what He wants me to do.
I go to the doctor today. I have lots of questions to ask my doctor. The main question is if I can physically try again. I still know the rest is up to God.
Saturday, April 26, 2008
A Dream Unfulfilled
Ever since I met my husband I've wanted to have his child. Although we've had our differences in discipline choices and handling situations, I see that he truly desires to be, and is a good father. He didn't even hesitate to start caring for my two children. He treats them as if they were his own and doesn't ask questions or hinder their biological father from visiting. He wants them to succeed and does everything in his power to make sure they have the best of everything. He provides for all of us unselfishly.
I look back on my life and remember how hard it was to raise my two children at such a young age. I had the help of my family, but wanted so bad for their father to be a part of it. I wanted a family! I've always wanted to experience the fairy tale pregnancy where the father and both our families were excited about the coming child! I wanted the father to touch my growing stomach and talk to the baby. I wanted him to be concerned for my health and things that could harm the baby.
I often envision us decorating the nursery and what it would be like the first day we bring baby home. I want to share all the joys, sorrows, and frustrations of parenting a baby. There are so many experiences from having my first two that I want him to experience with me. With each loss, the void in my heart grows larger. Sometimes it seems as if this dream will never come true.
We haven't given up on having our own child, but we are considering adoption. In the event we are unable to have our own, we can give our love to a child who needs us. Of course I have to consider what God's will is for our lives. I know He knows my heart, but He also knows best.
Friday, April 25, 2008
Need Direction
Last week, a friend of mine gave me a book called 'Pivotal Praying' by John Hull & Tim Elmore. At first I thought, I don't want to read another self help book! I was angry at God and didn't understand why this happend again. It is funny how the very thing that don't we feel we don't need, ends up being the biggest help. The book has helped tremendously. It talks about learning how to pray and what to say when situations don't turn out the way we want or when tragedy strikes. I highly recommend this book!
I am still struggling with direction. I am seeking God in knowing what to do next. What do I need to learn from all of this? What is the next step? I'm sure you all know that I desperately want to have another child. I want to know if this is what He has for me? I really am trying not to dwell on it. I guess it bothers me the most to let go of my dream. Learning to die to myself and live for Christ is not as easy as it sounds. Lord please help me.
My mother told me about a job working with mom's at risk of having low birth weight babies. The position would involve counseling mothers and helping them get the help they need in order to deliver healthy babies. I sent my resume but the job is only part time. It sounds crazy to give up a full time job for a part time job. I just feel like I need to make a difference and I didn't feel like I was doing that in my other job. I wonder what my husband will say. I guess we can cross that bridge if things go that far.
My days have been ok. I am trying to stay busy but I am running out of clothes to wash and I'm not even sure I should be doing that! I can't stand just sitting here sometimes. If I could move around a little more there are a ton of projects I could start. Well, I guess I need a little money too!
Hoping to have another good day!
Thursday, April 24, 2008
Good Days
I seem to be ok the last two days. I still think about Roman and what happened but I am dealing with it for now. I feel like I'm clinging to my husband a lot lately. I hate it when he goes to work and I don't want him to leave my side when he comes home. I don't know if that is a good thing or not. Hopefully this will deepen our relationship. I've been getting up with him in the morning and packing his lunch and making his coffee. When he came home, dinner was on the stove and the laundry was done. He said yesterday was the best day he ever had! I'm going to try and keep that up.
I wonder if I am fooling myself. I try to stay busy at home. I washed every dirty piece of clothing in my house. Today I am going to wash everyone's blankets and clean out the refrigerator.
Yesterday I talked to my aunt about my cousins baby. I thought it would bother me but I wanted to talk about her. I can't wait to see her. I only hope I feel the same when they come into town next month. It isn't her fault my baby died and hers lived. I have to get over this somehow!
For now, I guess I will take the good days with the bad.
Wednesday, April 23, 2008
Still I Rise
I woke up this morning with a song in my head. It is funny because one of my church members requested that I sing this song in church and at the time, it didn't have much meaning to me. The song wasn't easy to learn so I put off learning it for a long time but I eventually sang it. I can't believe this same song is ministering to me and sort of tells my story. The lyrics are below...
Lyric of Yolanda Adams
Verse 1:Shattered, but I'm not broken
Today, I will ask God for the strength to press on.
